I achieved balance this weekend

I hope it sticks around for awhile. A few things happened to get to this point. I had to go home to Louisiana. I had to appreciate my life here is Central Texas. I had to go on a promising interview. I had to drive. I had to talk to God. I had to end a meaningless relationship with a person I have been dating that I had no business dating. I had to go to the beach with friends. I had to ride in a vehicle with a friend for three hours and see that people like me exist besides in my own head. I had to begin a book that is speaking to me like the one that lives in my soul. I had to decide to live for myself.

I turn 29 in 10 days. For the next 10 days I will prepare for the most important year of my life. My 28th year was my hardest. But, oh so necessary.

I am wondering if I am apart of a new breed of adults cultivating themselves. I know so many of us that are preparing for life alone, or not necessarily married. Maybe in a partnership and maybe with children. So many of us that realize how selfish we really are...but I now am seeing life as an obligation to live as happy as I can be. Life is a gift. So I will do anything and everything to keep myself happy. And that idea tends to keep me very busy and self-absorbed. I am almost certain that would be very difficult to do as a mother.

This 29th year I will refuse any dating opportunities. This will be very difficult. And people have laughed at this idea, because this seems so impossible for me. I am boy crazy. I admit it. But, I must. I learned with this rebound one. I felt my self esteem plummet. I still have issues and it ain't cute. I need to discover myself again. I also need to try to meditate 10 minutes everyday. I still want to go on a 10 day Vipassana retreat. (I may not be human after that, though). I need to get myself financially stable and I must get my body back in tune with things, which means yoga.

And finally I need to learn to be silent. Not with my writing, but with my everyday life. Silence in daily practice will allow me to listen to God with clarity.

I am doing New Year's resolutions based on my birthdays, from here on out. I am so 'effing happy I can hardly contain my own energy!!!!

a healing trip

Since my last post I went on a healing trip.
I needed to flee and travel somewhere different.
I finally talked with my grandparents.
I had not talked to them for 6 months.
The minute I saw them I busted out crying.
I needed to tell them in person what happened to me this year.
Talking over the phone would not have worked, I think I needed them to see the pain on my face.

I enjoyed my time with my MawMaw.
She is a magical little creature.
It is from her that I learned about spirituality.

I needed to feel the Louisiana air.
It is so hot and sticky.
You sweat and it stays all around you, almost suffocating.
I needed to see the people there.
See their dark hair, dark eyes, and peculiar physical features.
I needed to hear the distinct sound of Cajun language that I grew up listening to.
I needed to listen to Cajun music and eat horribly fattening food.
I needed to feel and experience roots.

I needed to appreciate my life.
I needed quiet solitude to talk to God.
It is almost over.
It is about to take flight.
I finally have acquired enough fruit to climb the hill.
Love is coming.
Peace is coming.
It is on the brink.

ok....

OK. I cut a lot of hair off on Friday and it caused me to spiral out of control with my emotions. Not to mention, yesterday was a new moon. I really have been holding a lot of emotions in and just biding time waiting for the next big thing. I am DONE with the jacked up things happening in my life.

I am considering so much and really I feel like I am gonna lose it.

Home. I am thinking about going home. I always think about going home. My grandparents are still alive. I want to experience the culture again. I have been gone 11 years. I want a fresh start. I want to rediscover who I am without the last 11 years around me. Maybe going back to my roots will help. The place that nutured my being and my soul.

Career. I want a PhD. The only way that will come into fruition is if I starting writing and publishing. I need an environment to allow me to do that. I need a place that will let me experiment and then write about it. I have not had luck here in this area. But, after a few phone calls yesterday there is a principal who wants to meet with me next week in New Iberia.

Scared. Scared of picking up and moving again. Wanting stability but something is just not clicking here. Or is it my crazy mind that is not seeing things the right way. Will I miss it here. Is this really my home? Will I miss my friends? Or will Lafayette be the missing piece of the puzzle that I have been trying to put back together?

I wish a BIG FAT SIGN would fall right in front of my face and give me all the answers.

Vipassana

Happy Tuesday!!! I have discovered something that I am inspired to do. A few weeks ago my yoga instructor told me about a 2 day meditation retreat. I thought to myself, " Oh my, two days of meditation. That would be difficult". Then a week or so later I met these girls who had just gotten back from a 10 day meditation retreat. I talked with them at length about the experience and peace radiated from their cores. The VERY NEXT DAY I randomly opened a magazine that I got from the library and an article about a person who attended a 10 day meditation retreat was on the page I turned to.

I can not afford to NOT listen to signs these days. When the proverbial "someone" speaks to me. I must listen. So it is my intention to do this meditation retreat. They are quite booked up. However, there is one that happens over Christmas and New Year's. I really cannot think of a better time than that. I am not a huge fan of Christmas. I never have been really and then Kyle told me he wanted a divorce on Christmas. I don't even think Jesus was born in December anyway.

This retreat is a study in Vipassana meditation. You don't talk. You have no eye contact with anyone. You don't read. You don't write (which would be the hardest). You wake up at 4 a.m. and basically meditate until 9:30 p.m. No music. Vegetarian meals. No eating after noon. The first three days suck obviously and then you enter into the prime meditation zone. You are supposed to gain total insight.

Sounds cool, huh?

Other than that I have a massive tan now. I have been on the river for three days straight. I am still looking for a way to make some money. Beyond discouraged. Just accepting now. I know I will get a job next year. Just a summer job would be nice. I hate living off my mom's money. I feel like such a mooch and SO not like an adult.

I am happy and learning so much about myself and life. I am learning to emotionally detach. Not sure if that is necessarily a good thing. But, before all of this madness I would crave depth and intense relationships that ooze feelings. Not so much anymore. I am kind of anti-depth now. I write deeply in my journal. I discuss emotions with the three people who can handle it( My Girlies). That is it. No need for it. It keeps thins light and fun.

introspective morning

Thursday and it is 730 AM. I am not a fan of not working. I am waiting to hear back from about 10 teacher/principal jobs and about 5 summer jobs. My craziness comes out with not working. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop". For the last four or five days I have had a battle with myself. My mind felt like a battlefield. There were so many thoughts in there fighting it out. Mainly questions about where I am going in my life and how long until I truly have peace. Lindsay likes to give the negative thoughts personification and call it the devil. Well, it that is the case the devil is in my mind, attempting to make me crazy. He is trying to drain the positive energy out of my soul. But, I am steadfast. I have come this far. I will not relinquish control.

Don't get me wrong, life ain't that bad. I have an incredible river in walking distance from my current dwelling. I am residing in a town where my bestest friends live. I read and write all day. I work out everyday and have the luxury on going on 3 hour walks. But, I am waiting for that job. I want to get back to where I was before Kyle swept me off my feet. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel grounded. My career is important to me. I know God has a plan for me and great things are coming for me. It is almost here. I have seriously been struggling since October. It is time for it to end.

I am currently reading an incredible book by Wally Lamb. It is his newest one and it is about Columbine and how it affects this one particular couple. The wife goes through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Although, my issues don't come close to the magnitude of Columbine, I think I can relate to PTSD.

Like I said in an earlier blog I had some negative events that occured over the weekend. I don't think I handled it well. But, at the first sign of conflict I fight, then flee. I don't answer phones. I hermit up in my house. I cut people out, especially negative or drama induced ones. I can't handle it. And I don't know what else to do but hermit out. My soul can't take much more. I have tried to create a positive little life around me like a pink bubble. I know life will still get to me in the bubble, but until then I can choose the people that I talk to and surround myself with. This only goes in my personal life, not my work life. It is like I put on a different hat when I am working. I am not the "kyla-going-through-issues" at work. I am "kyla-the-career-shark".

The emotions I feel run the gamut. I fall all over the map right now. My future is all that keeps me going. Besides this blog, I ferociously write in a journal. In my journal I dream about my traveling desires, my career dreams, my future PhD, my goals for my body and my health. I am still dreaming about that prince charming.

This blog is so everyone who wonders about me can read about me. I am an open book. I just don't want to over talk my life. I hope one day to turn this into something worth reading. This year has been quite an Odyssey for me. I am so thankful for the turnaround in my soul. I have never been a better person.

hell yeah!!!!

ok. so the last couple of days have been rough. kinda like holding vigil for my future. i have been a hermit. hanging in my house and journaling. i haven't really talked with anyone. just me and Mabel. been doing a lot of praying and a lot of thinking.

my cousin put my ring on ebay. and it sold today!!! hell yeah. i am thanking God for this. this is the next thing that will set some things in motion. i really needed to get this piece of old baggage out of my life. once it is in someone else's possession i believe that my life will start rolling on, in full steam.

i am very superstitious and i believe that material things, especially those with such importance as a wedding ring, carry magic within them. this ring has negative emotions and tragic decisions associated with it. that will change when some other woman puts in on her finger with the hope and promise of a new love.

i predict an interview or two. and then a job offer within a few weeks. keep on flying, kyla-michelle.

...from a dream interpretation site

"I'm Flying"

Flying dreams fall under a category of dreams known as lucid dreaming. Lucid dreams occur when you become aware that you are dreaming. Many dreamers describe the ability to fly in their dreams as an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience.

If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things. Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power.

Having difficulties staying in flight indicates a lack of power in controlling your own circumstances. You may be struggling to stay aloft and stay on course. Things like power lines, trees, or mountains may further obstruct your flight. These barriers represent a particular obstacle or person who is standing in your way in your waking life. You need to identify who or what is hindering you from moving forward. It may also be an indication of a lack of confidence. You need to believe in yourself and not be afraid.

If you are feeling fear when you are flying or that you feel that you are flying too high, then it suggests that you are afraid of challenges and of success.

In reality, we cannot really fly, of course. Thus, such dreams may represent that which is beyond your physical limitations. In your mind, you can be anybody and do anything. Another way of interpreting flying dreams is that these dreams symbolize your strong mind and will. You feel undefeatable and nobody can tell you what you cannot do and accomplish. Undoubtedly these dreams leave you a great sense of freedom.

frantic full moon

The full moon gave some crazy dreams last night. I dreamed I was a butterfly super hero. I could fly everywhere, I just had to will it with positive thinking. I flew up through clouds and higher until another layer of clouds. I flew through storm clouds, through rain, through lightening, through waterfalls, and rainbows. I felt hope. It was beautiful and I felt happiness. I need to fly and soar in my waking life. I am being held back and am ready to break free from my cycle.

This weekend deposited a lot of negative energy onto me. I am transforming and it seems like this is something that will remain endless. I need to understand that changing is constant, which makes it consistent too. I will never stop changing. I am however thankful for the negativity because it has given me the power to take back my wants and desires.

I am ready again to move. I am ready to move back to downtown Austin. I believe I will flourish there. I healed here in San Marcos and now it is time to move on.

My year long struggle is coming to an end. I can feel it. My hope and patience is still alive but is almost drowning.

night time yoga

I just had an amazing experience. I found a yoga instructor in San Marcos that I love. She likes taking yoga outside. For those of you not familiar with the town I live in, it just happens to be one the most beautiful areas in Texas.

In a secluded area in a park. A 10 minute hike to this circle filled with pebbles. It has a giant compass in the middle. Watched the sun set. Witness a lightening storm roll in. The moon was shining. Locusts serenading. AWESOME!!! Much better than a Saturday night in a bar. I also went on a LONG bike ride this morning and then went swimming in the river.

I needed this weekend to chill out. Obviously. That last entry reeked with anger. I am feeling so much lately and it seems to vary day by day. I think that is only normal. I was telling fellow yogi's tonight how much I am thankful for what has happened to me. Get this major let down and total shock out of the way. Better now than 20 years from now. I feel more awake and more aware. I know when my emotions are out of whack. I acknowledge them and allow them to take their course. I am working on letting 75% of my emotions roll off my back. If I could just let things go I might settle the noise down in my head. Maybe some day soon I can quit being so selfish, but being selfish is the only way to properly heal. My job has me giving so much that I need ridiculous amounts of me time.

Some just say this is a Saturn in retrograde problem :)

A trip down memory lane provoked me.

I stayed up late last night reading my old journals. I realized I am the same person that I was when I was in high school. I have always been way too intense and deep for my own good. I always get my feelings hurt and feel rejected. I have always looked for the "prince charming". I have always fallen head over heels for boys. Quickly and recklessly.

In fact I did it again. I fell for someone in a matter of a few weeks. Except this time it's different. I am walking away. I am walking away because I realize I am still not ready. I am walking away before it becomes yet another dating catastrophe for me.

I mean, what does dating mean anyway? Let's fall in love and have a wonderful year or two. Everything seems great....and then BAM. You realize you have put your life on hold for someone else. That someone else has just been putting on a front the whole time. Your expectations blow up in your face. I have decided NO MORE EXPECTATIONS.

I can't be caged in. I refuse to be defined in someone else's shadow, or a part of someone else. I am not traditional and I won't fucking pretend to be. I am not going to marry the suit and tie. I damn sure know I won't have a white picket fence. And if I get pregnant it will be by accident.

I feel more selfish than I ever have. I don't think I want the prince charming anymore. I have kissed a lot of frogs. I think I am just gonna keep kissing.

I am redefining who I am.

I am not finished being a badass. I am not done with educating myself. I am not done with taking risks. I don't want to sit still anymore. I want to shake things up. I want to live outside of a box. I want to attack the world with the claws I was born with. I am passionate. I am intense. I am a big fat mess. And I am starting to like it that way.

red lipstick changes everything

I wore red lipstick all weekend. It made me feel confident and in charge. I had one of the best weekends that I have had in a long time. I hung out with my old friends from college, my sister, and my best friends who live here in San Marcos.

I literally partied all weekend. Whoa!!!!

Last night was monumental. I said goodbye to old notions and welcomed new people in my life. I told my mother I would not change one thing that has happened to me in the last year. No matter how much pain I have been through, it was worth it. God has seen me through some tough stuff for a reason. I am not afraid anymore. I can handle anything. I have become a better person.

My horoscope from my favorite publication said I am beginning to have positive things happening in my life and it will ripple for many years to come. Nice!!! My cousin predicted that Mother's Day will be when it all changes for me. I think she might be right. Mother's Day last year is when Kyle and I decided to get married.

Oh I am ready for great things. I think happiness is finally here.

big badass bangin' weekend

I got some bangs. Some badass bangin' bangs. They are part 70's chic and part china doll look. It has given me a new attitude. I have been doing yoga so my body and my mind feel great. My weekend is filled with friends. This is the first weekend in a long time that I have had plans ALLLLLLLL weekend. So pumped.

My latest mind plague has been the call of home that I have been feeling. For about 10 years, especially since December, Louisiana has been whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Do I stay or do I go? Where does God want me to be?

I have applied for a few choice jobs and my PhD. I have heard nothing back from any one of them. Maybe I am supposed to get my PhD in Lafayette?

Ahhhh. But I will stay here for at least a year. Gain my bearings. Pay some bills. Help my sister transition into her new life in San Marcos. I will grow some veggies. I will experience life as much as possible. My soul just can't stop wandering. I call it my gypsy soul self. It is restless. It is taking me on a journey.

Things are finally feeling more comfortable.

insecurity

arghhh. this word has plagued me since i was in elementary school. i have been insecure my whole life. i hate it. i never feel good enough, pretty enough, nice enough, or skinny enough. i thought i was over it. i truly did. maybe it was because i have been on medication so long i have forgotten to actually feel any emotion other than fake happiness. i am feeling like i did in high school. insecure. like i am not good enough. i am not good enough for someone to stay married to me. the people that know and love me will think this is a foolish statement. and those that don't know me will think i am whiney and pathetic. whatever. this too shall pass.

i had my prize. i had that person that was suppose to love me. he was hot. that is really all i have ever wanted. a hot man to love me. shallow, yes i know. but, if that is wrong so be it.

had a job interview today. i feel that my sense of self worth will come back to me once i get a job. i literally have lived on 22 dollars this week. not easy...let me tell you. i am down to my last 9 and i am not sure if i can make it all weekend with half a roll of toliet paper.

i am trying to keep my anger and depression at bay. i am trying to live in the moment. i am trying to keep God at the forefront of my mind. i need to not be so selfish. for pete's sake, at least i am not an African girl being raped and given HIV at the age of 6.

this part of my life has been the hardest, but it will all be worth it. the amount of knowledge i have gained is priceless. this time in my life will define me for the rest. the next man that comes along will have his work cut out for him with me. it will have to be love.

So close to sanity...

I am almost there.
I am almost sane.
On the brink.
Almost over this divorce thing.
Almost have my last name back.
Almost un-depressed.
Almost ready to forgive.
Almost to my pre-surgery weight.
Almost running again.
Almost close to being financially stable.
I almost have a job for next year.
I almost have a roommate.
I almost have a tan.
I almost have a social life again.
My vegetables are almost fruiting.
I am almost ready to have a date with an attractive roman statue looking man.
I am almost happy.
I am almost over my anger.
ALMOST feels pretty nice.

Learning....

I am learning so much. This is a lesson in real life. No degree earned for real life other than a stronger soul. I am learning more and more about myself. What I can handle is amazing. But, the only way I have been able to do this is with my new relationship with GOD. I keep repeating that to remind myself that having faith is the only reason why I have not fallen apart.

I have learned that grieving for my wedding is okay. I am sad that the person I shared this amazing experience with will no longer be apart of my life. I am sad that all the wonderful memories I have are tainted with the experience of love lost.

My dance with my father. My walk down the aisle with my father. My family and how much fun we had days prior to the wedding at the spa. My wonderful bridesmaids. The music. The chapel. The vows. My dress. My ring that I paid for( oh yes, I was that stupid). The idea that I was making a huge step into a new life with someone I thought would love me forever. The father of my future children. The money I spent on a wedding that I will be paying back for years to come.

I also know that I think I will get over this much quicker than I thought. I have been processing the breakdown of this marriage for a long time. If I could only retell the awful situations I tried to rationalize for the short time I was married. But, I can't rehash those just yet...but I will. I am so lucky that I was able to get out of this marriage without getting pregnant. Geez.

I am so thankful for so much on a daily basis. To live in San Marcos again is just heavenly. This place is beautiful and peaceful. I am thankful for Mabel Jo, she brings me so much joy. Kyle hated her so much. The next man will have to endure her sleeping in bed with me. No negotiations. I am thankful for my soft "princess" bed. I am thankful for my house and my vegetable garden.

I am slowly returning to my happy self. I know that these blogs have been so dry lately. But, I am going internal right now. I am digesting my emotions and been talking them out with my family and friends. I am trying to put all of the anger toward Kyle into a pink bubble and let it float away. I refuse to be angry with him. I do not blame him entirely.

I am excited about the future.

let the sun shine on me!!!!

Well. It is final. I am done. He has been in California for a week. I feel enough time has passed since I left on February 6th. That is nearly two months to decide if he loves me and if he wants to stay married. He knew when I left that he would have to move here. Our conversation on Wednesday...he said he still doesn't know anything. He doesn't know where he wants to live, what he wants to do, or how to fix our marriage.

Easy enough for me....

This has truly been going on since November and his actions prior to November have caused me to feel unstable in my marriage.

God is with me right now. I know that everything will be OK. Things already are becoming positive and I can see the light. My relationship with my parents is flourishing. The closeness I have craved with my father is finally coming to fruition. I am learning that he is the knight in the shining armor on a white horse. He saved my mother and has loved her unconditionally. NO matter what. He is stable and safe. I want that same thing for myself.

My sister is moving in. we really need to make our relationship better. I think this move will be what she needs to come into her own.

My relationships with my friends are getting better everyday. I will NEVER forget what they have done for me and how they have been there is my darkest hour.

I am redefining who I am and what I want. How many people get this chance? It is beautiful....there is always beauty in the breakdown.

Be a hummingbird, Kyla!!!!

My weekend was absolutely surprisingly stellar.

Suzanne's father in law came in town with his young, no speaking English wife. I tried to speak Spanish with her all weekend. Danny cooked great food all weekend. Great food like grilled tuna and sauteed mushrooms. We enjoyed company and food with lots of wine!!!

On a rare occasion Lindsay was able to join us on Saturday evening. Suzanne knew of an event that we had to make our presence known. The Little People Association of America. That is right our big night out was at the Embassy hotel in San Marcos partying with Little People. I really think Suzanne was trying to set me up with the hottest little person there - Greg from Alabama. We sat at the bar for a bit socializing, then we went to the ballroom and danced our faces off. Have you ever danced the Macarena with about 50 little people children? We did and I would do it again. It was so much fun.

After an evening of Little People fun I continued with the randomness theme. I walked to a Southern Baptist church, specifically for black folk. I think I truly felt the spirit there. Their service is two hours long, but it seemed to fly by. I have never heard such moving music. These women in the choir could sing. I couldn't help but dance. I even witnessed people being baptised, in white robes. I have never seen or felt anything like this before. I cried and I prayed so hard. They have multiple preachers and ministers. The one that gave the sermon was an older white woman. Besides her I was the only white person there, so I thought that it was fitting that she spoke. Her main lesson was to be a hummingbird, not a buzzard.

Buzzards have long since been one of my spirit guides. But, she pointed out that they go for the dead and nasty things. Hummingbirds are light and go for the sweet stuff. "Be a hummingbird", she said. "Go for the sweet stuff".

Alright. Sweet stuff it is. I hung up my hummingbird feeder to remind myself to look for all the sweet stuff in my life.

I am here in San Marcos. I know I need to be here. No matter the outcome of my marriage, I have definitely learned a lot about love. I am happy today and I appreciate that.

What the fuck?

Thus is pretty much how I feel about life lately. What the fuck is going on?

I feel like I have swam in the deep oceans of my emotions and have finally come out on top. I have nearly drowned. But, I have found a ship of my own, and on my own.

What in tarnation am I talking about, you ask? I am tired of hurting. Kyle is not so sure if he wants a divorce now. Huh? I don't know how I am suppose to feel about this. I keep asking God. I probably look like I am crazy half the time because I talk to him out loud every day and do so all the time, even in public.

I want to believe in unconditional love. I would love to get over this hump and make it as a married couple. Am I able to forgive him? What would the details of the next couple of months look like? Would he move here? I am not so certain that he would. How much time till he gets here if he does come? Can I live with everyone else disliking our union? And he still hates my dog.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckety Fuck.

On a personal note. It is sunny and beautiful in San Marcos. My garden is doing quite lovely. I am definitely losing weight. My friend Joe calls it the depression diet. And Wednesday is the deadline for my PHD application!!!! I am working on all that...

Let the pendulum swing

So. In the State of Texas to get divorced you have to be separated for three months. Why do they do this? Do they do it to make you second guess your decision to divorce?

What if Kyle wanted to make it work? What if he realized his mistakes? What if he told me he loves me and always will? What if he came to me and moved to San Marcos? Is it too late?

Despite what my brain says, my heart would take him back. Love would win. I am happy here in San Marcos. Location has everything to do with my happiness. I need the environment here.

I love him. I do. Even though he hurt me, I am pretty sure I did my fair share of hurting too.

Are we both too crazy to be in love with each other? Have we created to big of mess to clean up.

Please God, make it clear. Make it so clear I will not have any questions.

Nervous Nelly

I am a nervous wreck today. I have been anticipating today for a week. Kyle is suppose to come to San Marcos and drop off my stuff. He is then going to California to visit his best friend. I want to just vomit over the fact that he will be in MY new environment. And then I want to vomit if he doesn't show up. It is 10:15 and I still have not received a text message that he is on his way. I refuse to contact him. I just don't want to hear he is not bringing my stuff. I don't want to be let down again.

My whole marriage was one big let down. And I am trying not to be angry with him. I am not sure what this feeling is that is in my heart. I don't think it is love. I don't think I can love someone who has hurt me so bad.

I can't quite put into words all of the confusion and pain that I feel. This is a difficult thing for me. I have always been able to make sense of my emotions and actions.

I met an interesting member of the male species last week. He was visiting San Marcos and we spent a few hours socializing downtown. He calls and sends me text messages. Yesterday I had to call him to explain that I am broken. I have a weeping soul. I am in no way any person that he should be interested in. That hurt. I got off the phone and cried. I have never done that before. But, I guess it is nice to know that I have my head on straight. I squashed something before it manifested into a mess. It is hard being lonely. But, I just can't have anything unless it is friendship. It grosses me out to think of anyone being interested in me. I am so anti-man right now.

Fault #2

I am always looking for the prince charming on the white horse. I am always looking for the romance that will sweep me off of my feet. I wanted the big wedding. I wanted the handsome prince to be by my side. I wanted to have that everlasting love.

You can ask any of my friends. I was always looking for "the one". Every guy I ever dated I was sure he was "the one". I was always in the clouds, addicted to love...when it was really lust.

That is all gone now. I am no longer waiting for my prince. I am grieving the death of romance in my life. I know it is not what I expect to be. It is not the Hollywood romance. Seriously. Hollywood has destroyed relationships. ( I will have to expand on that later...but great topic).

I am asking God to send me a connection that will make it impossible for me to ignore. How will know when I find it? I guess there will be no question. I will have to bridle my emotions and my desire to be in love.

Am I a glutton for curveballs?

Why does everyone tell me to be careful? What am I doing that is so risky? I refuse to let fear take over me. I have a brand new relationship with God. He is with me. He helps me get through my day and has promised that everything will be alright. I keep my eyes open and suck in the experience. I am taking my time. I am being cautious in my own light.

What can come of this blog? Sure other people can read it. Anyone can read it. I am applying for jobs. My future employers can read it. My enemies can read it. My loved ones can read it. A possible publisher can read it. I love this. I love putting my fears hopes and dreams out there. I have nothing to hide. I have become an open person. All I have ever wanted was to be a writer.

Despite my situation I am an optimist. I have true honest intentions. I am a hopeless romantic. I truly believe in my soul and my power as an individual to light up my life as well as others. I believe that my candid and honest approach will help others as much as it helps me.

I reject fear. I hope that I can quit rationalizing my blog. I hope that my loved ones will understand this is my therapy. I can't afford anything else to help me. I do not have the luxury of retail therapy, spa treatments, or vacations. I have my house, my garden, my walks, my pug, my small support group, and this blog.

So please. Stop telling me to be careful. Life is not so serious. I am beginning to realize that is may be some cosmic joke. God will take care of little 'ol me. And in time he will send me a glorious man to make me happy. It may be 5 months or 5 years from now. But, I respect his timing. Until then I will be the best person I can be. I will be impeccable.

Fault #1

I moved way too fast. The day we decided to get married I wanted to break up. I did not see an avenue of progression. He was making no effort to move to Austin. I did not want to have a long distance relationship anymore. He suggested marriage. I ran with it. I did it to myself. I should have waited to see how it would progress past a year. See if he really loved me. If he would really sacrifice his life for me. Even our engagement was only two months. It is times like these that make me feel soooo stupid. Were you guys just laughing at me? Thinking..."oh my, she is making a huge mistake". Hindsight is 20/20.

But, I am kinda a pushy person. Ok. I am a pushy person. When I make up my mind about something I am full on 110%. I need to relax and enjoy the moment. I am learning that. Mom said God has a funny way of knocking you down to make you see your faults. He literally knocked me down by the knees. I wasn't listening. I couldn't see the signs. I am taking huge strides in just relaxing and taking my time. No need to rush. Slow down.

I am making a resurrection for myself

Today is the start of a new world for me. Something has clicked. I am ready to rebuild. I am ready to release anger over my broken marriage. I know Kyle did not intend to break my heart. He just couldn't help who he is. I forgive him for that. I really do. I must acknowledge my faults.

I am doing well. Really well. I am applying for my PhD. I have started a vegetable garden. I am starting to shed some of the weight I have put on. I have a tan. I have a lovely little house. My sister is moving in and I am excited.

Be prepared my friends. This new blog will still be a roller coaster. But, this time I will not focus any attention on anybody but me. No "wasband" bashing. I am creating a new world for myself. Sometimes it will positive and full of life. Sometimes it will be dark and cynical.

Some people have wondered why I put it all out there. I put it out there for many reasons. I want it all to come from my mouth (or words). There should be no speculation as to the happenings in my life. You wanna know? Just ask. I do it to vomit up my dark side. I want it all out. I don't want to hold anything in. It is toxic and I truly believe feelings can physically manifest itself into cancer. So let's do an experiment. I put all my shit out there and we shall see if I get cancer in my life. You keep it all in and we shall see if you get the 'ol disease.

Why resurrection? Well for starters, I am rising from the dead. A weak and close to death soul. The other reason I am obsessed with religion and life after death. I have a sick sometimes pure relationship with it. My dad won't be happy with the title. But, hey...gotta stay true to myself these days.

Let the journey begin. It is gonna get good.