OK. I cut a lot of hair off on Friday and it caused me to spiral out of control with my emotions. Not to mention, yesterday was a new moon. I really have been holding a lot of emotions in and just biding time waiting for the next big thing. I am DONE with the jacked up things happening in my life.
I am considering so much and really I feel like I am gonna lose it.
Home. I am thinking about going home. I always think about going home. My grandparents are still alive. I want to experience the culture again. I have been gone 11 years. I want a fresh start. I want to rediscover who I am without the last 11 years around me. Maybe going back to my roots will help. The place that nutured my being and my soul.
Career. I want a PhD. The only way that will come into fruition is if I starting writing and publishing. I need an environment to allow me to do that. I need a place that will let me experiment and then write about it. I have not had luck here in this area. But, after a few phone calls yesterday there is a principal who wants to meet with me next week in New Iberia.
Scared. Scared of picking up and moving again. Wanting stability but something is just not clicking here. Or is it my crazy mind that is not seeing things the right way. Will I miss it here. Is this really my home? Will I miss my friends? Or will Lafayette be the missing piece of the puzzle that I have been trying to put back together?
I wish a BIG FAT SIGN would fall right in front of my face and give me all the answers.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Vipassana
Happy Tuesday!!! I have discovered something that I am inspired to do. A few weeks ago my yoga instructor told me about a 2 day meditation retreat. I thought to myself, " Oh my, two days of meditation. That would be difficult". Then a week or so later I met these girls who had just gotten back from a 10 day meditation retreat. I talked with them at length about the experience and peace radiated from their cores. The VERY NEXT DAY I randomly opened a magazine that I got from the library and an article about a person who attended a 10 day meditation retreat was on the page I turned to.
I can not afford to NOT listen to signs these days. When the proverbial "someone" speaks to me. I must listen. So it is my intention to do this meditation retreat. They are quite booked up. However, there is one that happens over Christmas and New Year's. I really cannot think of a better time than that. I am not a huge fan of Christmas. I never have been really and then Kyle told me he wanted a divorce on Christmas. I don't even think Jesus was born in December anyway.
This retreat is a study in Vipassana meditation. You don't talk. You have no eye contact with anyone. You don't read. You don't write (which would be the hardest). You wake up at 4 a.m. and basically meditate until 9:30 p.m. No music. Vegetarian meals. No eating after noon. The first three days suck obviously and then you enter into the prime meditation zone. You are supposed to gain total insight.
Sounds cool, huh?
Other than that I have a massive tan now. I have been on the river for three days straight. I am still looking for a way to make some money. Beyond discouraged. Just accepting now. I know I will get a job next year. Just a summer job would be nice. I hate living off my mom's money. I feel like such a mooch and SO not like an adult.
I am happy and learning so much about myself and life. I am learning to emotionally detach. Not sure if that is necessarily a good thing. But, before all of this madness I would crave depth and intense relationships that ooze feelings. Not so much anymore. I am kind of anti-depth now. I write deeply in my journal. I discuss emotions with the three people who can handle it( My Girlies). That is it. No need for it. It keeps thins light and fun.
I can not afford to NOT listen to signs these days. When the proverbial "someone" speaks to me. I must listen. So it is my intention to do this meditation retreat. They are quite booked up. However, there is one that happens over Christmas and New Year's. I really cannot think of a better time than that. I am not a huge fan of Christmas. I never have been really and then Kyle told me he wanted a divorce on Christmas. I don't even think Jesus was born in December anyway.
This retreat is a study in Vipassana meditation. You don't talk. You have no eye contact with anyone. You don't read. You don't write (which would be the hardest). You wake up at 4 a.m. and basically meditate until 9:30 p.m. No music. Vegetarian meals. No eating after noon. The first three days suck obviously and then you enter into the prime meditation zone. You are supposed to gain total insight.
Sounds cool, huh?
Other than that I have a massive tan now. I have been on the river for three days straight. I am still looking for a way to make some money. Beyond discouraged. Just accepting now. I know I will get a job next year. Just a summer job would be nice. I hate living off my mom's money. I feel like such a mooch and SO not like an adult.
I am happy and learning so much about myself and life. I am learning to emotionally detach. Not sure if that is necessarily a good thing. But, before all of this madness I would crave depth and intense relationships that ooze feelings. Not so much anymore. I am kind of anti-depth now. I write deeply in my journal. I discuss emotions with the three people who can handle it( My Girlies). That is it. No need for it. It keeps thins light and fun.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
introspective morning
Thursday and it is 730 AM. I am not a fan of not working. I am waiting to hear back from about 10 teacher/principal jobs and about 5 summer jobs. My craziness comes out with not working. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop". For the last four or five days I have had a battle with myself. My mind felt like a battlefield. There were so many thoughts in there fighting it out. Mainly questions about where I am going in my life and how long until I truly have peace. Lindsay likes to give the negative thoughts personification and call it the devil. Well, it that is the case the devil is in my mind, attempting to make me crazy. He is trying to drain the positive energy out of my soul. But, I am steadfast. I have come this far. I will not relinquish control.
Don't get me wrong, life ain't that bad. I have an incredible river in walking distance from my current dwelling. I am residing in a town where my bestest friends live. I read and write all day. I work out everyday and have the luxury on going on 3 hour walks. But, I am waiting for that job. I want to get back to where I was before Kyle swept me off my feet. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel grounded. My career is important to me. I know God has a plan for me and great things are coming for me. It is almost here. I have seriously been struggling since October. It is time for it to end.
I am currently reading an incredible book by Wally Lamb. It is his newest one and it is about Columbine and how it affects this one particular couple. The wife goes through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Although, my issues don't come close to the magnitude of Columbine, I think I can relate to PTSD.
Like I said in an earlier blog I had some negative events that occured over the weekend. I don't think I handled it well. But, at the first sign of conflict I fight, then flee. I don't answer phones. I hermit up in my house. I cut people out, especially negative or drama induced ones. I can't handle it. And I don't know what else to do but hermit out. My soul can't take much more. I have tried to create a positive little life around me like a pink bubble. I know life will still get to me in the bubble, but until then I can choose the people that I talk to and surround myself with. This only goes in my personal life, not my work life. It is like I put on a different hat when I am working. I am not the "kyla-going-through-issues" at work. I am "kyla-the-career-shark".
The emotions I feel run the gamut. I fall all over the map right now. My future is all that keeps me going. Besides this blog, I ferociously write in a journal. In my journal I dream about my traveling desires, my career dreams, my future PhD, my goals for my body and my health. I am still dreaming about that prince charming.
This blog is so everyone who wonders about me can read about me. I am an open book. I just don't want to over talk my life. I hope one day to turn this into something worth reading. This year has been quite an Odyssey for me. I am so thankful for the turnaround in my soul. I have never been a better person.
Don't get me wrong, life ain't that bad. I have an incredible river in walking distance from my current dwelling. I am residing in a town where my bestest friends live. I read and write all day. I work out everyday and have the luxury on going on 3 hour walks. But, I am waiting for that job. I want to get back to where I was before Kyle swept me off my feet. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel grounded. My career is important to me. I know God has a plan for me and great things are coming for me. It is almost here. I have seriously been struggling since October. It is time for it to end.
I am currently reading an incredible book by Wally Lamb. It is his newest one and it is about Columbine and how it affects this one particular couple. The wife goes through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Although, my issues don't come close to the magnitude of Columbine, I think I can relate to PTSD.
Like I said in an earlier blog I had some negative events that occured over the weekend. I don't think I handled it well. But, at the first sign of conflict I fight, then flee. I don't answer phones. I hermit up in my house. I cut people out, especially negative or drama induced ones. I can't handle it. And I don't know what else to do but hermit out. My soul can't take much more. I have tried to create a positive little life around me like a pink bubble. I know life will still get to me in the bubble, but until then I can choose the people that I talk to and surround myself with. This only goes in my personal life, not my work life. It is like I put on a different hat when I am working. I am not the "kyla-going-through-issues" at work. I am "kyla-the-career-shark".
The emotions I feel run the gamut. I fall all over the map right now. My future is all that keeps me going. Besides this blog, I ferociously write in a journal. In my journal I dream about my traveling desires, my career dreams, my future PhD, my goals for my body and my health. I am still dreaming about that prince charming.
This blog is so everyone who wonders about me can read about me. I am an open book. I just don't want to over talk my life. I hope one day to turn this into something worth reading. This year has been quite an Odyssey for me. I am so thankful for the turnaround in my soul. I have never been a better person.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
hell yeah!!!!
ok. so the last couple of days have been rough. kinda like holding vigil for my future. i have been a hermit. hanging in my house and journaling. i haven't really talked with anyone. just me and Mabel. been doing a lot of praying and a lot of thinking.
my cousin put my ring on ebay. and it sold today!!! hell yeah. i am thanking God for this. this is the next thing that will set some things in motion. i really needed to get this piece of old baggage out of my life. once it is in someone else's possession i believe that my life will start rolling on, in full steam.
i am very superstitious and i believe that material things, especially those with such importance as a wedding ring, carry magic within them. this ring has negative emotions and tragic decisions associated with it. that will change when some other woman puts in on her finger with the hope and promise of a new love.
i predict an interview or two. and then a job offer within a few weeks. keep on flying, kyla-michelle.
my cousin put my ring on ebay. and it sold today!!! hell yeah. i am thanking God for this. this is the next thing that will set some things in motion. i really needed to get this piece of old baggage out of my life. once it is in someone else's possession i believe that my life will start rolling on, in full steam.
i am very superstitious and i believe that material things, especially those with such importance as a wedding ring, carry magic within them. this ring has negative emotions and tragic decisions associated with it. that will change when some other woman puts in on her finger with the hope and promise of a new love.
i predict an interview or two. and then a job offer within a few weeks. keep on flying, kyla-michelle.
Monday, June 8, 2009
...from a dream interpretation site
"I'm Flying"
Flying dreams fall under a category of dreams known as lucid dreaming. Lucid dreams occur when you become aware that you are dreaming. Many dreamers describe the ability to fly in their dreams as an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience.
If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things. Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power.
Having difficulties staying in flight indicates a lack of power in controlling your own circumstances. You may be struggling to stay aloft and stay on course. Things like power lines, trees, or mountains may further obstruct your flight. These barriers represent a particular obstacle or person who is standing in your way in your waking life. You need to identify who or what is hindering you from moving forward. It may also be an indication of a lack of confidence. You need to believe in yourself and not be afraid.
If you are feeling fear when you are flying or that you feel that you are flying too high, then it suggests that you are afraid of challenges and of success.
In reality, we cannot really fly, of course. Thus, such dreams may represent that which is beyond your physical limitations. In your mind, you can be anybody and do anything. Another way of interpreting flying dreams is that these dreams symbolize your strong mind and will. You feel undefeatable and nobody can tell you what you cannot do and accomplish. Undoubtedly these dreams leave you a great sense of freedom.
Flying dreams fall under a category of dreams known as lucid dreaming. Lucid dreams occur when you become aware that you are dreaming. Many dreamers describe the ability to fly in their dreams as an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience.
If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things. Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power.
Having difficulties staying in flight indicates a lack of power in controlling your own circumstances. You may be struggling to stay aloft and stay on course. Things like power lines, trees, or mountains may further obstruct your flight. These barriers represent a particular obstacle or person who is standing in your way in your waking life. You need to identify who or what is hindering you from moving forward. It may also be an indication of a lack of confidence. You need to believe in yourself and not be afraid.
If you are feeling fear when you are flying or that you feel that you are flying too high, then it suggests that you are afraid of challenges and of success.
In reality, we cannot really fly, of course. Thus, such dreams may represent that which is beyond your physical limitations. In your mind, you can be anybody and do anything. Another way of interpreting flying dreams is that these dreams symbolize your strong mind and will. You feel undefeatable and nobody can tell you what you cannot do and accomplish. Undoubtedly these dreams leave you a great sense of freedom.
frantic full moon
The full moon gave some crazy dreams last night. I dreamed I was a butterfly super hero. I could fly everywhere, I just had to will it with positive thinking. I flew up through clouds and higher until another layer of clouds. I flew through storm clouds, through rain, through lightening, through waterfalls, and rainbows. I felt hope. It was beautiful and I felt happiness. I need to fly and soar in my waking life. I am being held back and am ready to break free from my cycle.
This weekend deposited a lot of negative energy onto me. I am transforming and it seems like this is something that will remain endless. I need to understand that changing is constant, which makes it consistent too. I will never stop changing. I am however thankful for the negativity because it has given me the power to take back my wants and desires.
I am ready again to move. I am ready to move back to downtown Austin. I believe I will flourish there. I healed here in San Marcos and now it is time to move on.
My year long struggle is coming to an end. I can feel it. My hope and patience is still alive but is almost drowning.
This weekend deposited a lot of negative energy onto me. I am transforming and it seems like this is something that will remain endless. I need to understand that changing is constant, which makes it consistent too. I will never stop changing. I am however thankful for the negativity because it has given me the power to take back my wants and desires.
I am ready again to move. I am ready to move back to downtown Austin. I believe I will flourish there. I healed here in San Marcos and now it is time to move on.
My year long struggle is coming to an end. I can feel it. My hope and patience is still alive but is almost drowning.
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