Monday, July 6, 2009

I achieved balance this weekend

I hope it sticks around for awhile. A few things happened to get to this point. I had to go home to Louisiana. I had to appreciate my life here is Central Texas. I had to go on a promising interview. I had to drive. I had to talk to God. I had to end a meaningless relationship with a person I have been dating that I had no business dating. I had to go to the beach with friends. I had to ride in a vehicle with a friend for three hours and see that people like me exist besides in my own head. I had to begin a book that is speaking to me like the one that lives in my soul. I had to decide to live for myself.

I turn 29 in 10 days. For the next 10 days I will prepare for the most important year of my life. My 28th year was my hardest. But, oh so necessary.

I am wondering if I am apart of a new breed of adults cultivating themselves. I know so many of us that are preparing for life alone, or not necessarily married. Maybe in a partnership and maybe with children. So many of us that realize how selfish we really are...but I now am seeing life as an obligation to live as happy as I can be. Life is a gift. So I will do anything and everything to keep myself happy. And that idea tends to keep me very busy and self-absorbed. I am almost certain that would be very difficult to do as a mother.

This 29th year I will refuse any dating opportunities. This will be very difficult. And people have laughed at this idea, because this seems so impossible for me. I am boy crazy. I admit it. But, I must. I learned with this rebound one. I felt my self esteem plummet. I still have issues and it ain't cute. I need to discover myself again. I also need to try to meditate 10 minutes everyday. I still want to go on a 10 day Vipassana retreat. (I may not be human after that, though). I need to get myself financially stable and I must get my body back in tune with things, which means yoga.

And finally I need to learn to be silent. Not with my writing, but with my everyday life. Silence in daily practice will allow me to listen to God with clarity.

I am doing New Year's resolutions based on my birthdays, from here on out. I am so 'effing happy I can hardly contain my own energy!!!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

a healing trip

Since my last post I went on a healing trip.
I needed to flee and travel somewhere different.
I finally talked with my grandparents.
I had not talked to them for 6 months.
The minute I saw them I busted out crying.
I needed to tell them in person what happened to me this year.
Talking over the phone would not have worked, I think I needed them to see the pain on my face.

I enjoyed my time with my MawMaw.
She is a magical little creature.
It is from her that I learned about spirituality.

I needed to feel the Louisiana air.
It is so hot and sticky.
You sweat and it stays all around you, almost suffocating.
I needed to see the people there.
See their dark hair, dark eyes, and peculiar physical features.
I needed to hear the distinct sound of Cajun language that I grew up listening to.
I needed to listen to Cajun music and eat horribly fattening food.
I needed to feel and experience roots.

I needed to appreciate my life.
I needed quiet solitude to talk to God.
It is almost over.
It is about to take flight.
I finally have acquired enough fruit to climb the hill.
Love is coming.
Peace is coming.
It is on the brink.