Saturday, May 30, 2009

night time yoga

I just had an amazing experience. I found a yoga instructor in San Marcos that I love. She likes taking yoga outside. For those of you not familiar with the town I live in, it just happens to be one the most beautiful areas in Texas.

In a secluded area in a park. A 10 minute hike to this circle filled with pebbles. It has a giant compass in the middle. Watched the sun set. Witness a lightening storm roll in. The moon was shining. Locusts serenading. AWESOME!!! Much better than a Saturday night in a bar. I also went on a LONG bike ride this morning and then went swimming in the river.

I needed this weekend to chill out. Obviously. That last entry reeked with anger. I am feeling so much lately and it seems to vary day by day. I think that is only normal. I was telling fellow yogi's tonight how much I am thankful for what has happened to me. Get this major let down and total shock out of the way. Better now than 20 years from now. I feel more awake and more aware. I know when my emotions are out of whack. I acknowledge them and allow them to take their course. I am working on letting 75% of my emotions roll off my back. If I could just let things go I might settle the noise down in my head. Maybe some day soon I can quit being so selfish, but being selfish is the only way to properly heal. My job has me giving so much that I need ridiculous amounts of me time.

Some just say this is a Saturn in retrograde problem :)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A trip down memory lane provoked me.

I stayed up late last night reading my old journals. I realized I am the same person that I was when I was in high school. I have always been way too intense and deep for my own good. I always get my feelings hurt and feel rejected. I have always looked for the "prince charming". I have always fallen head over heels for boys. Quickly and recklessly.

In fact I did it again. I fell for someone in a matter of a few weeks. Except this time it's different. I am walking away. I am walking away because I realize I am still not ready. I am walking away before it becomes yet another dating catastrophe for me.

I mean, what does dating mean anyway? Let's fall in love and have a wonderful year or two. Everything seems great....and then BAM. You realize you have put your life on hold for someone else. That someone else has just been putting on a front the whole time. Your expectations blow up in your face. I have decided NO MORE EXPECTATIONS.

I can't be caged in. I refuse to be defined in someone else's shadow, or a part of someone else. I am not traditional and I won't fucking pretend to be. I am not going to marry the suit and tie. I damn sure know I won't have a white picket fence. And if I get pregnant it will be by accident.

I feel more selfish than I ever have. I don't think I want the prince charming anymore. I have kissed a lot of frogs. I think I am just gonna keep kissing.

I am redefining who I am.

I am not finished being a badass. I am not done with educating myself. I am not done with taking risks. I don't want to sit still anymore. I want to shake things up. I want to live outside of a box. I want to attack the world with the claws I was born with. I am passionate. I am intense. I am a big fat mess. And I am starting to like it that way.

Monday, May 4, 2009

red lipstick changes everything

I wore red lipstick all weekend. It made me feel confident and in charge. I had one of the best weekends that I have had in a long time. I hung out with my old friends from college, my sister, and my best friends who live here in San Marcos.

I literally partied all weekend. Whoa!!!!

Last night was monumental. I said goodbye to old notions and welcomed new people in my life. I told my mother I would not change one thing that has happened to me in the last year. No matter how much pain I have been through, it was worth it. God has seen me through some tough stuff for a reason. I am not afraid anymore. I can handle anything. I have become a better person.

My horoscope from my favorite publication said I am beginning to have positive things happening in my life and it will ripple for many years to come. Nice!!! My cousin predicted that Mother's Day will be when it all changes for me. I think she might be right. Mother's Day last year is when Kyle and I decided to get married.

Oh I am ready for great things. I think happiness is finally here.

Friday, May 1, 2009

big badass bangin' weekend

I got some bangs. Some badass bangin' bangs. They are part 70's chic and part china doll look. It has given me a new attitude. I have been doing yoga so my body and my mind feel great. My weekend is filled with friends. This is the first weekend in a long time that I have had plans ALLLLLLLL weekend. So pumped.

My latest mind plague has been the call of home that I have been feeling. For about 10 years, especially since December, Louisiana has been whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Do I stay or do I go? Where does God want me to be?

I have applied for a few choice jobs and my PhD. I have heard nothing back from any one of them. Maybe I am supposed to get my PhD in Lafayette?

Ahhhh. But I will stay here for at least a year. Gain my bearings. Pay some bills. Help my sister transition into her new life in San Marcos. I will grow some veggies. I will experience life as much as possible. My soul just can't stop wandering. I call it my gypsy soul self. It is restless. It is taking me on a journey.

Things are finally feeling more comfortable.