insecurity

arghhh. this word has plagued me since i was in elementary school. i have been insecure my whole life. i hate it. i never feel good enough, pretty enough, nice enough, or skinny enough. i thought i was over it. i truly did. maybe it was because i have been on medication so long i have forgotten to actually feel any emotion other than fake happiness. i am feeling like i did in high school. insecure. like i am not good enough. i am not good enough for someone to stay married to me. the people that know and love me will think this is a foolish statement. and those that don't know me will think i am whiney and pathetic. whatever. this too shall pass.

i had my prize. i had that person that was suppose to love me. he was hot. that is really all i have ever wanted. a hot man to love me. shallow, yes i know. but, if that is wrong so be it.

had a job interview today. i feel that my sense of self worth will come back to me once i get a job. i literally have lived on 22 dollars this week. not easy...let me tell you. i am down to my last 9 and i am not sure if i can make it all weekend with half a roll of toliet paper.

i am trying to keep my anger and depression at bay. i am trying to live in the moment. i am trying to keep God at the forefront of my mind. i need to not be so selfish. for pete's sake, at least i am not an African girl being raped and given HIV at the age of 6.

this part of my life has been the hardest, but it will all be worth it. the amount of knowledge i have gained is priceless. this time in my life will define me for the rest. the next man that comes along will have his work cut out for him with me. it will have to be love.

So close to sanity...

I am almost there.
I am almost sane.
On the brink.
Almost over this divorce thing.
Almost have my last name back.
Almost un-depressed.
Almost ready to forgive.
Almost to my pre-surgery weight.
Almost running again.
Almost close to being financially stable.
I almost have a job for next year.
I almost have a roommate.
I almost have a tan.
I almost have a social life again.
My vegetables are almost fruiting.
I am almost ready to have a date with an attractive roman statue looking man.
I am almost happy.
I am almost over my anger.
ALMOST feels pretty nice.

Learning....

I am learning so much. This is a lesson in real life. No degree earned for real life other than a stronger soul. I am learning more and more about myself. What I can handle is amazing. But, the only way I have been able to do this is with my new relationship with GOD. I keep repeating that to remind myself that having faith is the only reason why I have not fallen apart.

I have learned that grieving for my wedding is okay. I am sad that the person I shared this amazing experience with will no longer be apart of my life. I am sad that all the wonderful memories I have are tainted with the experience of love lost.

My dance with my father. My walk down the aisle with my father. My family and how much fun we had days prior to the wedding at the spa. My wonderful bridesmaids. The music. The chapel. The vows. My dress. My ring that I paid for( oh yes, I was that stupid). The idea that I was making a huge step into a new life with someone I thought would love me forever. The father of my future children. The money I spent on a wedding that I will be paying back for years to come.

I also know that I think I will get over this much quicker than I thought. I have been processing the breakdown of this marriage for a long time. If I could only retell the awful situations I tried to rationalize for the short time I was married. But, I can't rehash those just yet...but I will. I am so lucky that I was able to get out of this marriage without getting pregnant. Geez.

I am so thankful for so much on a daily basis. To live in San Marcos again is just heavenly. This place is beautiful and peaceful. I am thankful for Mabel Jo, she brings me so much joy. Kyle hated her so much. The next man will have to endure her sleeping in bed with me. No negotiations. I am thankful for my soft "princess" bed. I am thankful for my house and my vegetable garden.

I am slowly returning to my happy self. I know that these blogs have been so dry lately. But, I am going internal right now. I am digesting my emotions and been talking them out with my family and friends. I am trying to put all of the anger toward Kyle into a pink bubble and let it float away. I refuse to be angry with him. I do not blame him entirely.

I am excited about the future.

let the sun shine on me!!!!

Well. It is final. I am done. He has been in California for a week. I feel enough time has passed since I left on February 6th. That is nearly two months to decide if he loves me and if he wants to stay married. He knew when I left that he would have to move here. Our conversation on Wednesday...he said he still doesn't know anything. He doesn't know where he wants to live, what he wants to do, or how to fix our marriage.

Easy enough for me....

This has truly been going on since November and his actions prior to November have caused me to feel unstable in my marriage.

God is with me right now. I know that everything will be OK. Things already are becoming positive and I can see the light. My relationship with my parents is flourishing. The closeness I have craved with my father is finally coming to fruition. I am learning that he is the knight in the shining armor on a white horse. He saved my mother and has loved her unconditionally. NO matter what. He is stable and safe. I want that same thing for myself.

My sister is moving in. we really need to make our relationship better. I think this move will be what she needs to come into her own.

My relationships with my friends are getting better everyday. I will NEVER forget what they have done for me and how they have been there is my darkest hour.

I am redefining who I am and what I want. How many people get this chance? It is beautiful....there is always beauty in the breakdown.