Monday, March 30, 2009

Be a hummingbird, Kyla!!!!

My weekend was absolutely surprisingly stellar.

Suzanne's father in law came in town with his young, no speaking English wife. I tried to speak Spanish with her all weekend. Danny cooked great food all weekend. Great food like grilled tuna and sauteed mushrooms. We enjoyed company and food with lots of wine!!!

On a rare occasion Lindsay was able to join us on Saturday evening. Suzanne knew of an event that we had to make our presence known. The Little People Association of America. That is right our big night out was at the Embassy hotel in San Marcos partying with Little People. I really think Suzanne was trying to set me up with the hottest little person there - Greg from Alabama. We sat at the bar for a bit socializing, then we went to the ballroom and danced our faces off. Have you ever danced the Macarena with about 50 little people children? We did and I would do it again. It was so much fun.

After an evening of Little People fun I continued with the randomness theme. I walked to a Southern Baptist church, specifically for black folk. I think I truly felt the spirit there. Their service is two hours long, but it seemed to fly by. I have never heard such moving music. These women in the choir could sing. I couldn't help but dance. I even witnessed people being baptised, in white robes. I have never seen or felt anything like this before. I cried and I prayed so hard. They have multiple preachers and ministers. The one that gave the sermon was an older white woman. Besides her I was the only white person there, so I thought that it was fitting that she spoke. Her main lesson was to be a hummingbird, not a buzzard.

Buzzards have long since been one of my spirit guides. But, she pointed out that they go for the dead and nasty things. Hummingbirds are light and go for the sweet stuff. "Be a hummingbird", she said. "Go for the sweet stuff".

Alright. Sweet stuff it is. I hung up my hummingbird feeder to remind myself to look for all the sweet stuff in my life.

I am here in San Marcos. I know I need to be here. No matter the outcome of my marriage, I have definitely learned a lot about love. I am happy today and I appreciate that.

Friday, March 27, 2009

What the fuck?

Thus is pretty much how I feel about life lately. What the fuck is going on?

I feel like I have swam in the deep oceans of my emotions and have finally come out on top. I have nearly drowned. But, I have found a ship of my own, and on my own.

What in tarnation am I talking about, you ask? I am tired of hurting. Kyle is not so sure if he wants a divorce now. Huh? I don't know how I am suppose to feel about this. I keep asking God. I probably look like I am crazy half the time because I talk to him out loud every day and do so all the time, even in public.

I want to believe in unconditional love. I would love to get over this hump and make it as a married couple. Am I able to forgive him? What would the details of the next couple of months look like? Would he move here? I am not so certain that he would. How much time till he gets here if he does come? Can I live with everyone else disliking our union? And he still hates my dog.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckety Fuck.

On a personal note. It is sunny and beautiful in San Marcos. My garden is doing quite lovely. I am definitely losing weight. My friend Joe calls it the depression diet. And Wednesday is the deadline for my PHD application!!!! I am working on all that...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Let the pendulum swing

So. In the State of Texas to get divorced you have to be separated for three months. Why do they do this? Do they do it to make you second guess your decision to divorce?

What if Kyle wanted to make it work? What if he realized his mistakes? What if he told me he loves me and always will? What if he came to me and moved to San Marcos? Is it too late?

Despite what my brain says, my heart would take him back. Love would win. I am happy here in San Marcos. Location has everything to do with my happiness. I need the environment here.

I love him. I do. Even though he hurt me, I am pretty sure I did my fair share of hurting too.

Are we both too crazy to be in love with each other? Have we created to big of mess to clean up.

Please God, make it clear. Make it so clear I will not have any questions.

Nervous Nelly

I am a nervous wreck today. I have been anticipating today for a week. Kyle is suppose to come to San Marcos and drop off my stuff. He is then going to California to visit his best friend. I want to just vomit over the fact that he will be in MY new environment. And then I want to vomit if he doesn't show up. It is 10:15 and I still have not received a text message that he is on his way. I refuse to contact him. I just don't want to hear he is not bringing my stuff. I don't want to be let down again.

My whole marriage was one big let down. And I am trying not to be angry with him. I am not sure what this feeling is that is in my heart. I don't think it is love. I don't think I can love someone who has hurt me so bad.

I can't quite put into words all of the confusion and pain that I feel. This is a difficult thing for me. I have always been able to make sense of my emotions and actions.

I met an interesting member of the male species last week. He was visiting San Marcos and we spent a few hours socializing downtown. He calls and sends me text messages. Yesterday I had to call him to explain that I am broken. I have a weeping soul. I am in no way any person that he should be interested in. That hurt. I got off the phone and cried. I have never done that before. But, I guess it is nice to know that I have my head on straight. I squashed something before it manifested into a mess. It is hard being lonely. But, I just can't have anything unless it is friendship. It grosses me out to think of anyone being interested in me. I am so anti-man right now.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Fault #2

I am always looking for the prince charming on the white horse. I am always looking for the romance that will sweep me off of my feet. I wanted the big wedding. I wanted the handsome prince to be by my side. I wanted to have that everlasting love.

You can ask any of my friends. I was always looking for "the one". Every guy I ever dated I was sure he was "the one". I was always in the clouds, addicted to love...when it was really lust.

That is all gone now. I am no longer waiting for my prince. I am grieving the death of romance in my life. I know it is not what I expect to be. It is not the Hollywood romance. Seriously. Hollywood has destroyed relationships. ( I will have to expand on that later...but great topic).

I am asking God to send me a connection that will make it impossible for me to ignore. How will know when I find it? I guess there will be no question. I will have to bridle my emotions and my desire to be in love.

Am I a glutton for curveballs?

Why does everyone tell me to be careful? What am I doing that is so risky? I refuse to let fear take over me. I have a brand new relationship with God. He is with me. He helps me get through my day and has promised that everything will be alright. I keep my eyes open and suck in the experience. I am taking my time. I am being cautious in my own light.

What can come of this blog? Sure other people can read it. Anyone can read it. I am applying for jobs. My future employers can read it. My enemies can read it. My loved ones can read it. A possible publisher can read it. I love this. I love putting my fears hopes and dreams out there. I have nothing to hide. I have become an open person. All I have ever wanted was to be a writer.

Despite my situation I am an optimist. I have true honest intentions. I am a hopeless romantic. I truly believe in my soul and my power as an individual to light up my life as well as others. I believe that my candid and honest approach will help others as much as it helps me.

I reject fear. I hope that I can quit rationalizing my blog. I hope that my loved ones will understand this is my therapy. I can't afford anything else to help me. I do not have the luxury of retail therapy, spa treatments, or vacations. I have my house, my garden, my walks, my pug, my small support group, and this blog.

So please. Stop telling me to be careful. Life is not so serious. I am beginning to realize that is may be some cosmic joke. God will take care of little 'ol me. And in time he will send me a glorious man to make me happy. It may be 5 months or 5 years from now. But, I respect his timing. Until then I will be the best person I can be. I will be impeccable.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Fault #1

I moved way too fast. The day we decided to get married I wanted to break up. I did not see an avenue of progression. He was making no effort to move to Austin. I did not want to have a long distance relationship anymore. He suggested marriage. I ran with it. I did it to myself. I should have waited to see how it would progress past a year. See if he really loved me. If he would really sacrifice his life for me. Even our engagement was only two months. It is times like these that make me feel soooo stupid. Were you guys just laughing at me? Thinking..."oh my, she is making a huge mistake". Hindsight is 20/20.

But, I am kinda a pushy person. Ok. I am a pushy person. When I make up my mind about something I am full on 110%. I need to relax and enjoy the moment. I am learning that. Mom said God has a funny way of knocking you down to make you see your faults. He literally knocked me down by the knees. I wasn't listening. I couldn't see the signs. I am taking huge strides in just relaxing and taking my time. No need to rush. Slow down.

I am making a resurrection for myself

Today is the start of a new world for me. Something has clicked. I am ready to rebuild. I am ready to release anger over my broken marriage. I know Kyle did not intend to break my heart. He just couldn't help who he is. I forgive him for that. I really do. I must acknowledge my faults.

I am doing well. Really well. I am applying for my PhD. I have started a vegetable garden. I am starting to shed some of the weight I have put on. I have a tan. I have a lovely little house. My sister is moving in and I am excited.

Be prepared my friends. This new blog will still be a roller coaster. But, this time I will not focus any attention on anybody but me. No "wasband" bashing. I am creating a new world for myself. Sometimes it will positive and full of life. Sometimes it will be dark and cynical.

Some people have wondered why I put it all out there. I put it out there for many reasons. I want it all to come from my mouth (or words). There should be no speculation as to the happenings in my life. You wanna know? Just ask. I do it to vomit up my dark side. I want it all out. I don't want to hold anything in. It is toxic and I truly believe feelings can physically manifest itself into cancer. So let's do an experiment. I put all my shit out there and we shall see if I get cancer in my life. You keep it all in and we shall see if you get the 'ol disease.

Why resurrection? Well for starters, I am rising from the dead. A weak and close to death soul. The other reason I am obsessed with religion and life after death. I have a sick sometimes pure relationship with it. My dad won't be happy with the title. But, hey...gotta stay true to myself these days.

Let the journey begin. It is gonna get good.