Learning....

I am learning so much. This is a lesson in real life. No degree earned for real life other than a stronger soul. I am learning more and more about myself. What I can handle is amazing. But, the only way I have been able to do this is with my new relationship with GOD. I keep repeating that to remind myself that having faith is the only reason why I have not fallen apart.

I have learned that grieving for my wedding is okay. I am sad that the person I shared this amazing experience with will no longer be apart of my life. I am sad that all the wonderful memories I have are tainted with the experience of love lost.

My dance with my father. My walk down the aisle with my father. My family and how much fun we had days prior to the wedding at the spa. My wonderful bridesmaids. The music. The chapel. The vows. My dress. My ring that I paid for( oh yes, I was that stupid). The idea that I was making a huge step into a new life with someone I thought would love me forever. The father of my future children. The money I spent on a wedding that I will be paying back for years to come.

I also know that I think I will get over this much quicker than I thought. I have been processing the breakdown of this marriage for a long time. If I could only retell the awful situations I tried to rationalize for the short time I was married. But, I can't rehash those just yet...but I will. I am so lucky that I was able to get out of this marriage without getting pregnant. Geez.

I am so thankful for so much on a daily basis. To live in San Marcos again is just heavenly. This place is beautiful and peaceful. I am thankful for Mabel Jo, she brings me so much joy. Kyle hated her so much. The next man will have to endure her sleeping in bed with me. No negotiations. I am thankful for my soft "princess" bed. I am thankful for my house and my vegetable garden.

I am slowly returning to my happy self. I know that these blogs have been so dry lately. But, I am going internal right now. I am digesting my emotions and been talking them out with my family and friends. I am trying to put all of the anger toward Kyle into a pink bubble and let it float away. I refuse to be angry with him. I do not blame him entirely.

I am excited about the future.