Thursday, June 11, 2009

introspective morning

Thursday and it is 730 AM. I am not a fan of not working. I am waiting to hear back from about 10 teacher/principal jobs and about 5 summer jobs. My craziness comes out with not working. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop". For the last four or five days I have had a battle with myself. My mind felt like a battlefield. There were so many thoughts in there fighting it out. Mainly questions about where I am going in my life and how long until I truly have peace. Lindsay likes to give the negative thoughts personification and call it the devil. Well, it that is the case the devil is in my mind, attempting to make me crazy. He is trying to drain the positive energy out of my soul. But, I am steadfast. I have come this far. I will not relinquish control.

Don't get me wrong, life ain't that bad. I have an incredible river in walking distance from my current dwelling. I am residing in a town where my bestest friends live. I read and write all day. I work out everyday and have the luxury on going on 3 hour walks. But, I am waiting for that job. I want to get back to where I was before Kyle swept me off my feet. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel grounded. My career is important to me. I know God has a plan for me and great things are coming for me. It is almost here. I have seriously been struggling since October. It is time for it to end.

I am currently reading an incredible book by Wally Lamb. It is his newest one and it is about Columbine and how it affects this one particular couple. The wife goes through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Although, my issues don't come close to the magnitude of Columbine, I think I can relate to PTSD.

Like I said in an earlier blog I had some negative events that occured over the weekend. I don't think I handled it well. But, at the first sign of conflict I fight, then flee. I don't answer phones. I hermit up in my house. I cut people out, especially negative or drama induced ones. I can't handle it. And I don't know what else to do but hermit out. My soul can't take much more. I have tried to create a positive little life around me like a pink bubble. I know life will still get to me in the bubble, but until then I can choose the people that I talk to and surround myself with. This only goes in my personal life, not my work life. It is like I put on a different hat when I am working. I am not the "kyla-going-through-issues" at work. I am "kyla-the-career-shark".

The emotions I feel run the gamut. I fall all over the map right now. My future is all that keeps me going. Besides this blog, I ferociously write in a journal. In my journal I dream about my traveling desires, my career dreams, my future PhD, my goals for my body and my health. I am still dreaming about that prince charming.

This blog is so everyone who wonders about me can read about me. I am an open book. I just don't want to over talk my life. I hope one day to turn this into something worth reading. This year has been quite an Odyssey for me. I am so thankful for the turnaround in my soul. I have never been a better person.


  1. I think you have truly turned the corner here. I see great times for you in the future. I challenge you to broaden your circle by cultivation a new friend, someone totally new.
    And to smile. Holly's post about will do you good. She is a marvelously grounded women. The post is at:

    love ya

  2. Kyla:
    I want to thank you for deciding to spend some of your time with us at Your Mother Knows. I hope it can be a support to you as you find your way to the life that will make you realize what an important and unique thread you are to this tapestry of life. If I can help, please reach out. And, I would be honored if you share you thoughts about what you read there. I believe I am blessed with a great group of Light Minded individuals who help all of us on our down days. And rejoice with us when the sun shines on us. Hope to see you there! Keep writing's most important!

    Blessings On You!