insecurity

arghhh. this word has plagued me since i was in elementary school. i have been insecure my whole life. i hate it. i never feel good enough, pretty enough, nice enough, or skinny enough. i thought i was over it. i truly did. maybe it was because i have been on medication so long i have forgotten to actually feel any emotion other than fake happiness. i am feeling like i did in high school. insecure. like i am not good enough. i am not good enough for someone to stay married to me. the people that know and love me will think this is a foolish statement. and those that don't know me will think i am whiney and pathetic. whatever. this too shall pass.

i had my prize. i had that person that was suppose to love me. he was hot. that is really all i have ever wanted. a hot man to love me. shallow, yes i know. but, if that is wrong so be it.

had a job interview today. i feel that my sense of self worth will come back to me once i get a job. i literally have lived on 22 dollars this week. not easy...let me tell you. i am down to my last 9 and i am not sure if i can make it all weekend with half a roll of toliet paper.

i am trying to keep my anger and depression at bay. i am trying to live in the moment. i am trying to keep God at the forefront of my mind. i need to not be so selfish. for pete's sake, at least i am not an African girl being raped and given HIV at the age of 6.

this part of my life has been the hardest, but it will all be worth it. the amount of knowledge i have gained is priceless. this time in my life will define me for the rest. the next man that comes along will have his work cut out for him with me. it will have to be love.