Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A trip down memory lane provoked me.

I stayed up late last night reading my old journals. I realized I am the same person that I was when I was in high school. I have always been way too intense and deep for my own good. I always get my feelings hurt and feel rejected. I have always looked for the "prince charming". I have always fallen head over heels for boys. Quickly and recklessly.

In fact I did it again. I fell for someone in a matter of a few weeks. Except this time it's different. I am walking away. I am walking away because I realize I am still not ready. I am walking away before it becomes yet another dating catastrophe for me.

I mean, what does dating mean anyway? Let's fall in love and have a wonderful year or two. Everything seems great....and then BAM. You realize you have put your life on hold for someone else. That someone else has just been putting on a front the whole time. Your expectations blow up in your face. I have decided NO MORE EXPECTATIONS.

I can't be caged in. I refuse to be defined in someone else's shadow, or a part of someone else. I am not traditional and I won't fucking pretend to be. I am not going to marry the suit and tie. I damn sure know I won't have a white picket fence. And if I get pregnant it will be by accident.

I feel more selfish than I ever have. I don't think I want the prince charming anymore. I have kissed a lot of frogs. I think I am just gonna keep kissing.

I am redefining who I am.

I am not finished being a badass. I am not done with educating myself. I am not done with taking risks. I don't want to sit still anymore. I want to shake things up. I want to live outside of a box. I want to attack the world with the claws I was born with. I am passionate. I am intense. I am a big fat mess. And I am starting to like it that way.

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